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Our Children and the Battle of the Supermarket - II

In the previous article, what did the child teach his mother?
The mother learnt from her child that the means to have peace and quiet, and not to get involved in embarrassing situations is to execute the child's orders: i.e. to buy the box of candy.
Thus, the child has established a new behavioral type, and it is on this basis that the relationship between the mother and child will continue. The behavior of the mother along with the behavior of the child form and outline the nature of their relationship. If the child repeats the same behavior, the mother will repeat the same behavior she has previously done with him.
A fatal error!
This is the way many fathers behave when they face the anger of their children with submission, compliance and, subsequently, reward (the candy). This is because this way teaches the child to increase his display of anger in order to receive the reward.
Additionally, anger is among the blameworthy attributes a man can have. When many sociologists and educationalists regard anger among the despicable vices and blameworthy habits, they mean the blameworthy anger which produces the most negative effects and leads to the most critical consequences -- particularly at the time of excitement and anger for personal interests and selfish motives. It is known that this anger disbands unity, breaks up the group, and exterminates the meanings of brotherhood, love, and purity in the community.
Another fatal error is made by fathers when they respond to the child's anger. It is called pampering, which is to be lax in dealing with the child in such a way as to satisfy the child's needs in the very time and manner he likes, and hasten to do all that he demands, no matter how unacceptable it might be. In other words, everyone around him does their best to obey him and be at his disposal, and never refuse any of his demands whatever they may be.
On the other hand, pampering makes the child unable to bear the responsibilities or burdens that are appropriate to his stage of life. This results in the child's slow emotional and social maturity. Such a child cannot easily undertake any matter, nor have the feeling of responsibility, nor appreciate it, nor resist the problems of life, nor confront the states of frustration. He is always vulnerable to psychological disorders when there is an obstacle or a problem standing in his way. More often, he inclines to be dependent on others rather than self-reliant. He also resorts to the method of avoiding, deferring or neglecting risks and problems.
A successful plan to tackle the supermarket battle:
To put an end to the supermarket battle with your child, and eradicate the roots of this problem peacefully, parents should do the following:
• Sit with the child before going to the supermarket.
• Clarify where you would go with him and what you would buy.
• Brief him on the shopping list.
• Ask him about what he would like to buy before going to the supermarket.
• Ask him to include what he would like to buy in the shopping list.
• Ask him to do something helpful and take charge of the shopping list. For example, he may be asked to hold it while shopping and tick the items that have been purchased to take it out of the list.
• Promise the child that if he does his part well, you will buy him the candy he likes, and if he falls short in his task, he will not have any candy.
• Parents should encourage the child by saying to him, "You are doing a good job following the list. Thank you and we appreciate your help. You are a co-operative child.”
• The mother rewards the child for his good behavior with candy.
At this very moment, the child learns three rules:
The first rule: Anger brings about nothing but loss:
That is because if he grows angry or raises his voice, he will get nothing: on the contrary, he will lose the candy because the mother will not surrender to his anger.
The second rule: Good behavior brings rewards:
When the child plays his role successfully and keeps quiet, he will have the candy he wanted.
The third rule: His parents mean what they say:
For example, if the mother threatens to deprive him of candy if he gets angry, the child will find that she is steadfast in implementing her decision.
At that very moment too, the mother will learn the following:
That the optimum means to have peace and quiet, and not to get involved in embarrassing situations is not to execute Khaalid's orders by buying the box of candy, but it is to teach Khaalid how to change his behavior; that punishment is the inevitable outcome of bad behavior, whereas reward is the pleasant outcome of good behavior.
In this way, the mother learns that to hush her child's cries, the solution is neither to surrender to him nor to beat him, in so much as to co-operate with the child to change his behavior.

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Our Children and the Battle of the Supermarket - I

Every time four-year-old Khaalid goes to the supermarket with his mother, he asks for a box of candy, and his mother refuses right away. However, a few minutes later, he starts insisting on buying candy, and the mother persists in her refusal, saying to him, "No." At the mother's refusal of the child's request for the third time, Khaalid becomes furious, and his request takes on the form of an order, but the mother continues to refuse. On that Khaalid's face turns red, he stamps his feet and shakes the shopping cart. The mother threatens to punish him if he does not stop, but he does not give in. Upon asking for candy for the fifth time and the mother's refusal, Khaalid bursts into anger. The mother looks for a place to hide but she finds herself in the ice-cream section, while he is weeping, shouting, kicking and striking everything around him. Everybody is staring at them, and the mother cannot take it anymore, so she submits to his will and buys him a box of candy.
Both mother and child learn from each other:
Dear educator, both you and your children teach each other something of the affairs of family life every day. The things you and your child learn from each other later determine the way you deal with each other and form the basis of the relationship between children and parents.
From a father who is firm in all situations with his child, the child learns, from each situation, that his father is firm and does not accept half-solutions, and thus, he will deal with him on that basis.
From a father who is lax in all situations with his child, the child learns, from each situation, that his father is lax, and even if he grows angry once, with the first tear that flows down the child's cheek, he will forget everything and forgive all mistakes, and thus, the child will deal with his father on that basis.
Analysis of Khaalid's scene:
When you reflect on the example of Khaalid and his mother, which is almost typical in our society, you find that both the mother and the child learned from each other.
What did the mother teach her child? At first, she was persistent that she would not buy candy. However, after a lot of nagging from Khaalid, she submitted and responded to his request. But (unfortunately) the mother does not know that at the very moment that she lost control over her decisiveness, she taught Khaalid a set of rules which will embitter her throughout her life if she does not change her submissive ways.
What did Khaalid's mother teach her child?
Khaalid's mother taught her child three rules:
• The first rule: The word "No" is of no significance.
The mother's reactions went as follows: No, No, No, No, Yes. What the child learnt here is that when his mother says "No", it does not mean refusal, but it means "Ask again and again, and nag more than once. When your behavior becomes unbearable, I will change my refusal into acceptance." This resembles magic: that refusal turns into acceptance. In this way, the mother taught her child to persist in his negative behavior.
You should know, dear parent, that your children have to know that when you say "No", it means "No" and nothing else. When you say "No" to your children, you indeed want them to stop doing something. The word "No" should not be subject to discussion. However, as a lot of fathers and mothers are susceptible to changing their mind often, the children have learnt to wail, implore and throw a tantrum until they get what they want. When the word is changeable, the child's mind records that, while it is supposed to be placed in the part of the brain that responds without thinking.
According to Dr. Michele Borba, (a pediatrician), parents should not give in if their child resorts to screaming and nagging, or asks for something illogical, or tells you to do something (unacceptable). You should stop the discussion immediately and tell him decisively that by no means would you accept that behavior, and ask him to be polite and set another time for a logical discussion about the demand. When the child realizes that you mean what you say, you will have made a drastic change in behavior.
• The second rule: Good utilization of his moments of anger
Certainly, the mother did not do so intentionally, but this is what actually took place. Khaalid learnt that shouting and nagging give very effective results. If you cry and shout at the top of your voice for a sufficient amount of time, you will have the box of candy. The candy is the prize you get for shouting.
• The third rule: She does not mean what she says
The mother taught her child that she never means what she says. Although she threatens (to punish), she never carries out her threat. She ordered him to keep quiet otherwise she would punish him severely, but what did she do? Instead of punishing him severely, she rewarded him by buying him candy.
(To be continued)

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The Ruling on Lying and its Evil Consequences

The prohibition of lying:

Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {“They only invent falsehood who do not believe in the verses of Allaah, and it is those who are the liars.”} [Quran 16:105] Commenting on this verse, Ibn Katheer  said,  

“Allaah The Almighty informs us that His Messenger  is not a liar, because lying is only the practice of the most evil people from amongst the disbelievers and polytheists who do not believe in the verses of Allaah The Almighty. It is such people who are known among people to be liars, while Muhammad was the most truthful person amongst his people and the kindest to others and the most wise. He was so truthful that his people gave him the nickname of ('The Truthful' and 'The Trustworthy'). This is why Hercules – the Roman king - asked Abu Sufyaan about this very quality saying, ‘Was he ever known to be a liar before claiming prophethood?’ to which Abu Sufyaan replied in the negative. Thereupon Hercules said, ‘Then he would not give up lying to people and start lying on God.’”

 

Abu Hurayrah  narrated that the Prophet,  said: “The signs of a hypocrite are three; he lies when talking, he breaks his promises and he deceives when entrusted […] anyone who possesses all such qualities is a pure hypocrite” [Al-Bukhaari, Muslim].

 

Imaam An-Nawawi  commented on this narration saying,

 

“The sound opinion about the interpretation of this narration is that these are the qualities of hypocrites, and the one who possesses them resembles hypocrites […] his saying : “… anyone who possesses all such qualities is a pure hypocrite…”means that the person very closely resembles the hypocrites. Some scholars said that this applies to the person whose character is as such most the time, but the one who rarely does so is not included in the description. Imaam At-Tirmithi  reported that the narration refers to practical hypocrisy according to the scholars.”

 

The evil consequence of lying:

 

A liar is warned that he is liable to be punished in both this life and the Hereafter with humiliating and destructive punishments such as:

 

·        Instilling hypocrisy in the heart: Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {So He penalized them with hypocrisy in their hearts until the Day they will meet Him – because they failed Allaah in what they promised Him and because they [habitually] used to lie.} [Quran 9: 77]

 

‘Abdullaah ibn Mas’ood  said,

 

“You can consider one as a hypocrite if you see the following three qualities: lying when talking, breaking his promises and deceiving those who entrust him.” Then he  recited the verse (which means): {And among them are those who made a covenant with Allaah, [saying], "If He should give us from His bounty, we will surely spend in charity, and we will surely be among the righteous." But when he gave them from His bounty, they were stingy with it and turned away while they refused. So He penalized them with hypocrisy in their hearts until the Day they will meet Him – because they failed Allaah in what they promised Him and because they [habitually] used to lie.} [Quran 9: 75-77] [Ibn Shaybah]

 

·        Leading to evil actions and to Hell:Ibn Mas`ood  reported that the Messenger of Allaah, , said: “Truthfulness leads to piety and piety leads to paradise. A man persists in speaking the truth till he is recorded with Allaah as a truthful man. Lying leads to transgression and transgression leads to the Hell-fire. A man continues to lie till he is recorded with Allaah as a great liar.” [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim].

As-San’aani  said,

 

“The narration indicates that truthfulness becomes a natural quality of the one who is keen to speak only the truth, and lying becomes a natural quality of the one who is keen to lying when speaking. This is so, because it is a type of training one does to himself until it becomes one of his characteristics. The narration indicates the greatness of truthfulness so much so that it leads the person with such a quality to Paradise. It also highlights how hideous lying is, that it leads the person to Hell, besides the punishment awaiting him in this worldly life. People usually trust the words of the person known to tell the truth and like to listen to him, contrary to the person who is known to lie”

 

·        Rejecting testimony: Ibn Al-Qayyim  said, “Lying is one of the strongest reasons to reject the testimony and narration of a person, because the tool itself is corrupted (tongue). This is similar to the testimony of a blind person regarding sighting the crescent of Ramadhaan, and the deaf for something that he heard. A lying tongue is an organ that has become defective and stopped functioning. In fact it is even worse, because the worst thing a person can possess is a lying tongue”

·         

·        Gloomy face in this life and the Hereafter: Allaah The Almighty Says (what means): {And on the Day of Resurrection you will see those who lied about Allaah [with] their faces blackened. Is there not in Hell a residence for the arrogant?} [Quran 39: 60] Ibn Al-Qayyim  said, “In the Hereafter, Allaah The Almighty will make the gloominess on the face as a sign of those who used to lie. Lying gives the face of the liar a gloominess that is noticed by truthful people. On the other hand, truthful people have bright and glowing faces that make all the people who meet them love them, while the liar’s gloominess makes people hate them.”

·        Tearing of the face in the Hereafter: Samurah ibn Jundub said,

 

“The Messenger of Allaah  very often used to ask his Companions: "Has any one of you seen a strange dream?"So dreams would be narrated to him by those whom Allaah The Almighty willed to relate. One day he said: "Last night I had a vision in which two men (angels) came to me and woke me up and said to me, `Proceed!' I set out with them and we came across a man lying down, and behold, another man was standing over his head, holding a big rock. Behold, he was throwing the rock at the man's head, smashing it. When he struck him, the stone rolled away and he went after it to get it, and no sooner had he returned to this man, his head was healed and restored to its former condition. The thrower (of the rock) then did the same as he had done before.

I said to my two companions, `Subhaanallaah (Glory be to Allaah)! Who are these?' They said: `Proceed, proceed.' So we proceeded and came to a man lying in a prone position and another man standing over his head with an iron hook, and behold, he would put the hook in one side of the man's mouth and tear off that side of his face to the back (of the neck), and similarly tear his nose from front to back, and his eyes from front to back. Then he turned to the other side of the man's face and did just as he has done with the first side. He had hardly completed that (second) side when the first returned to its normal state.”

Then when he  informed the Companions  about the explanation of what he had seen, he  said:“I said to them, `I have seen many wonders tonight. What does all that mean which I have seen?' They replied, `We will inform you: […] As for the man you came upon, whose sides of mouth, nostrils and eyes were torn off from front to back, he is the symbol of the man who goes out of his house in the morning and tells lies that are spread all over the world …” [Al-Bukhaari].

 

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The Prophet's guidance on treating wounds and cuts

In the books of Imaams Al-Bukhaari and Muslim  it is narrated that Sahl Ibn Sa'd was asked about how the Messenger's  injuries in the battle of Uhud were treated. Sahl said: "The Prophet's face was injured, his tooth was broken and the helmet he was wearing was smashed on his head. Faatimah  the daughter of the Messenger of Allaah  was washing the blood off while 'Ali  was pouring water on her hands with his shield. When Faatimah realized that the bleeding did not stop, she took a burned mat (of palm leaves) and inserted the ash in the wound of Allaah's Messenger and the bleeding stopped."

The ashes of burnt palm leaves are very effective in stopping bleeding, because it is a strong drying agent and because it has the least burning effect (on the exposed skin). Other strong drying remedies have a burning effect on the skin and cause the blood to be irritated and the bleeding to intensify. Further, when the ashes of palm leaves are applied alone or mixed with vinegar in a bleeding nose, it will stop the bleeding.

The author of Al-Qanoon  said: "Al-Bardi (papyrus) is effective in stopping bleeding and coating exposed flesh when it is placed on a wound. In old Egypt, paper was made of the Bardi which had a cold, dry condition. Bardi ash is effective in treating oral fungus and infection, hemoptysis (spitting up blood) and also prevents malignant infections from spreading.”

The Prophet’s guidance using honey, cupping and cauterizing as remedies

The Prophet  said: “There is cure in three substances, a drink of honey, a slash with a knife used for cupping and cauterizing by fire. I forbid my Nation from cauterizing by fire.” [Al-Bukhaari]

Abu ‘Abdullaah Al-Maziri said plethoric (excessive substances) conditions are either sanguineous (bloody), bilious, phlegmy, or melancholic. Curing sanguineous plethora entails extracting the blood. If plethora was from the other three types, its cure is in softening the stool as warranted for each disease. The Prophet  has indicated that honey is used as a laxative and that cupping is used to extract [septic] blood. Some people said that when the slash by a cupping knife does not work, the last resort is branding by fire (cauterizing). The Prophet  mentioned branding by fire as a last resort when the body has a strong resistance against medicine, rendering it ineffective. The Prophet  then said: "I forbid my nation from branding by fire (cauterizing)," and in another narration: "I do not like to be branded by fire."

Cauterizing by fire should be the last resort and only used when warranted. The fire should not be the first choice because of the intense pain it causes and which will be used to remove a lesser pain!

Some doctors said that diseases related to the temperament are either material or non-material. The material types are either cold, hot, wet or dry or a combination of these conditions. The four conditions, hotness and coldness are effected, while the other two, wetness and dryness, are usually affected. When one of the two effective temperaments is stronger than the other, it is usually accompanied by one of the affected temperaments. Every type of temperament in the body has two parts, effective and affected.

Temperamental ailments are usually caused by whichever effective condition is stronger, hotness or coldness. The Prophet's statement directs us to the origin of ailments, hotness and coldness. If the ailment was hot, the cure entails extracting the blood by cupping or puncturing the veins, both of which help extract the septic matter, cooling the temperament. If the ailment is cold, we treat it with heat, such as by taking honey. If we also need to extract the cold material that has caused the ailment, honey also helps in this case because it leads the various substances to maturity along with its other qualities of cleansing, softening, soothing and purging the affected organs. In this case, the septic material will be gently extracted while saving the body the annoyance of using strong laxatives.

Physical ailments are either acute, not needing cauterization because they would soon be neutralized, or chronic ailments, for which cauterizing the proper organ is the best remedy after extracting the septic substances. Chronic diseases usually result from thick, cold septic substances residing in the affected organ, ailing it, spoiling its constitution and, thereby, inflaming the parts of the body that are directly connected to the affected organ. Therefore, cauterizing should be used to dissipate and extract the septic substances in the affected organ with fire.

The narration explains treatments for all types of physical ailments, just as we learned the treatment method for all simple ailments (accompanied by fever) from the narration: "The heat of the fever is a breath of the Hell Fire: cool it with water.”

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The Delights of the people of Paradise- III

The food and drink of the people of Paradise does not produce any impure excrement:
It might come to one’s mind that the food and drink of Paradise might produce the same as the food and drink of this world, namely excrement, urine, mucus, saliva, and so on. But this is not the case. Paradise is a place that is free from all impurities, and its people are free from all the blemishes of people of this world. Abu Hurayrah narrated a Hadeeth which clearly rejects such a notion. The Prophet Muhammad  said: “The first group to enter Paradise will be as beautiful as the full moon; they will not spit or blow their noses.” Al- Bukhaari and Muslim] 
This does not apply only to the first group to enter Paradise; all those who will enter it, will be similarly pure. The Messenger of Allaah said: “The first group of my Ummah (Nation) to enter Paradise will be as beautiful as the full moon, and those that come after them will be like the brightest shining star, and those that follow them will be ranked according to their status. They will not defecate or urinate or blow their noses or spit.” [Muslim]
It might be asked: where will the waste products from their food and drink go? Indeed, this question was posed to the Prophet  by his Companions  and he replied that part of these waste products will be turned into sweat like musk that will come out of their bodies; other parts will be turned into burps, but these burps will produce a fragrant scent. Jaabir Ibn ‘Abdullaah  said: “I heard the Messenger of Allaah saying: “The people of Paradise will eat and drink therein, but they will not spit, excrete or blow their noses.” They (the companions) asked, “What will happen to the waste matter from their food?” He  said: “(It will come out as) burps which are like musk.” [Muslim]
Why will the people of Paradise eat and drink and comb their hair?
If the people of Paradise are to abide there forever, and Paradise is free from all discomfort, pain and sickness, and there is no hunger or thirst there, nor are there any impurities or dirt, then why will the people of Paradise eat and drink, and use perfume and comb their hair?
Al-Qurtubi  answered this question in At-Tathkirah [Page 475], saying: “The luxuries and clothing of the people of Paradise will not be for the purpose of warding off potential pains; they will not eat because of hunger, or drink because of thirst, or use perfume because of some offensive odour. Paradise is a never-ending succession of delight and joy. Do you not remember the words of Allaah to Aadam (which mean):{Indeed, it is [promised] for you not to be hungry therein or be unclothed. And indeed, you will not be thirsty therein or be hot from the sun.} [Quran 20: 118-119] 
The vessels and cups of the people of Paradise:
The vessels from which the people of Paradise will eat and drink will be of gold and silver. Allaah Almighty Says (what means): {Trays of gold and cups will be passed round them…} [Quran 43: 71], i.e., cups of gold. Allaah also Says (what means): {And there will be circulated among them vessels of silver and cups having been [created] clear [as glass]. Clear glasses [made] from silver of which they have determined the measure.}[Quran 76: 15-16], i.e. it will combine the purity of crystal with the whiteness of silver. The Prophet Muhammad  said: "The believer in Paradise will have a tent made of a single hollowed-out pearl… and two gardens of silver, their vessels and everything in them, and two gardens of gold, their vessels and everything in them." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]
Among the vessels from which they will drink will be cups, jugs and glasses, as Allaah Almighty Says (what means): {There will circulate among them young boys made eternal. With vessels, pitchers and a cup [of wine] from a flowing spring.} [Quran 56: 17-18]
The “cup” (koob) is something that has no handle or spout, the ‘jug” (ibreeq) has a handle and a spout, and the “glass” (ka‘s) is a cup that is filled with drink.
The Clothing, Jewellery and Incense-burners of the People of Paradise
The people of Paradise will wear the most luxurious clothes and adorn themselves with jewellery of gold, silver and pearls. They will wear, amongst other things, garments of silk and bracelets of gold, silver and pearls. Almighty Allaah Says (what means): {And will reward them for what they patiently endured [with] a garden [in Paradise] and silk [garments].} [Quran 76: 12]
Allaah also Says (what means): {Indeed, Allaah will admit those who believe and do righteous deeds to gardens beneath which rivers flow. They will be adorned therein with bracelets of gold and pearl, and their garments therein will be silk.} [Quran 22: 23]
Their clothes will be colourful, including garments of green silk and brocade, as in the verse (which means): {They will be adorned therein with bracelets of gold and will wear green garments of fine silk and brocade, reclining therein on adorned couches.} [Quran 18:31]
Their clothing will be far superior to any man-made garment. Al-Barra’ Ibn ‘Aazib  said: “A silken garment was brought to the Messenger  and we admired its beauty and softness.” The Messenger of Allaah  said: “The handkerchiefs of Sa’d Ibn Mu’aadh in Paradise are better than this.” [Al-Bukhaari]
The Prophet  also told us that the people of Paradise will have combs of gold and silver, and that they will perfume themselves with ‘Ood At-Teeb (excellent kind of perfume), even though the scent of musk will be emanating from their pure bodies. The Prophet  said about those who will enter Paradise: “Their vessels will be of gold and silver, their combs will be of gold and the coals of their incense-burners will be of aloe- wood (Abu’l-Yamaan said: of ‘Ood At-Teeb) and their sweat will be musk.” [Al-Bukhaari]
Their jewellery will include crowns. At-Tirmithi and Ibn Maajah reported from Al-Miqdaam Ibn Ma’dikarb  that among the honors bestowed upon the martyr will be: “...crown of dignity will be placed upon his head, one ruby of which is better than this world and all that is in it.” [Mishkaatul- Masaabeeh, 3/358]
 By: Umar Sulaymaan Al-Ashqar 

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